adventures in lorieland

2006-08-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

So I've made it to Arizona and have safely installed at my brother's house. The kitties are adjusting well, and I am more at ease than I can recall being in months. I made the right decision, difficult as it was.

My brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews came to visit, to welcome me home. They helped me unload the movng truck, which included quite a lot of books. I explained to the boys that I'd been saving many of those books for them, waiting until they were old enough to enjoy some of the books I had read in my younger days. I looked at the 11 year old and said that I was a bit concerned some of the books may prove too hard for him to read. He looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Well, I don't think a book can really be too hard. It's just that some books you might have to read a little slower than others, that's all."

I'm so proud!

So my brother has this red plastic toy crab. I don't know how it happened, but he has become quite attached to the thing, had it in his classroom for a while (he's a teacher) and now it "lives" in the car as a odd little pet. He named it Boggs. My nephews like Boggs and, he/it comes up in conversation every so often...

Saturday morning the oldest boy comes to me and holds up a child's swimming mask he found by the side of the pool. The mask had crab legs sticking out from the side and a few other little details around the edges to make it look like the wearer had a crab on his face. He looked at me, grinning, and said, "Look what I found, Aunt Lorie. I call them... Boggles."

I laughed so hard. A bit difficult considering how I was also popping with pride.

Reading and punning. Those are my nephews.

I'm so glad I'm here.

amen

2006-01-17T21:07:00.000-08:00

"Perhaps a new spirit is rising among us. If it is, let us trace its movements and pray that our own inner being may be sensitive to its guidance, for we are deeply in need of a new way beyond the darkness that seems so close around us."

- Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

oh say, can you see

2005-12-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

President Bush admimtted he authorized spying without judicial oversight, on American soil. (Somehow this is less interesting to the American Public than unauthorized touching of the Presidental pee-pee.)

We've got secret prisons, tortured prisoners, and American citizens held for years without charge.

In the state of California, we executed a Noble Peace Prize nominee.

No need to worry though, 'cause the capital gains tax cut was extended and queers still have no legal marriage. It's all safe!

without you here

2005-12-12T13:23:00.000-08:00

Gone to the Unseen

At last you have departed and gone to the Unseen.
What marvelous route did you take from this world?

Beating your wings and feathers,
you broke free from this cage.
Rising up to the sky
you attained the world of the soul.
You were a prized falcon trapped by an Old Woman.
Then you heard the drummer's call
and flew beyond space and time.

As a lovesick nightingale, you flew among the owls.
Then came the scent of the rosegarden
and you flew off to meet the Rose.

The wine of this fleeting world
caused your head to ache.
Finally you joined the tavern of Eternity.
Like an arrow, you sped from the bow
and went straight for the bull's eye of bliss.

This phantom world gave you false signs
But you turned from the illusion
and journeyed to the land of truth.

You are now the Sun -
what need have you for a crown?
You have vanished from this world -
what need have you to tie your robe?

I've heard that you can barely see your soul.
But why look at all? -
yours is now the Soul of Souls!

O heart, what a wonderful bird you are.
Seeking divine heights,
Flapping your wings,
you smashed the pointed spears of your enemy.

The flowers flee from Autumn, but not you -
You are the fearless rose
that grows amidst the freezing wind.

Pouring down like the rain of heaven
you fell upon the rooftop of this world.
Then you ran in every direction
and escaped through the drain spout . . .

Now the words are over
and the pain they bring is gone.
Now you have gone to rest
in the arms of the Beloved.

- Rumi

I held the world back for you

2005-10-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

For the past year or so people have been saying it's crazy to try and build a friendship with my ex-wife, that we have to have at least a year without contact before such a thing is possible, but I kept trying. I wanted to believe we could do it, that 10 years together could overcome a bad situation. I guess I was wrong... Today she told me she 'knows' I have tried to turn our mutual friends against her, that I am and have been manipulating her, that I'm now only using her to get money. I was nearly as shocked to hear her say all that as I was when she said she was moving out. I honestly feel like I've spent enormous effort trying to develop a basis for friendship while dealing with the fallout of betrayal, anger, and grief. How is it even possible to have spent so much time together and have completely polar views of a situation?

Now about three months ago I had to ask her not to contact me for a while, to only talk when I called her, because I was having so much trouble separating our old relationship as partners into a new paradigm. It was a painful choice that took weeks to make, but I thought it would ultimately make things better for us. I tried so hard to explain to her why I was asking for it, to make it clearly a short-term request. Apparently she thinks I did it to punish her. How am I supposed to rectify this difference in perception? Part of me is just ready to give up, tired of being made to feel like a bad person because I want to take care of myself first. The rest of me says I'll regret it in the long run if I give up now, and I truly loathe the feeling of regret. I have no idea what to do. What is the right action?

Damn. Damn. Damn.

how many roads

2005-09-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

"...Our vulnerability is not just about dealing with terrorists or natural disasters. We are vulnerable and unsafe because we allow one in eight Americans to live in horrible poverty. We accept an education system where one in six children never graduate and most of those who do can't string a coherent sentence together. The middle class can't pay the mortgage or the hospital bills and 45 million have no health coverage whatsoever."

- Michael Moore

We are being terrorized, bu our own government.

On Saturday we joined the San Francisco contingent of a nationwide anti-war demonstration, along with an estimated 50,000 protesters hoping to promote peace. Nearly every corner was saturated with of officers of the law, most of them bristling with attitude, which was terribly amusing when you noticed at least half of them were sneaking a smoke and sending text messages with their cell phones. Sheesh.

The crowd ranged from very young children with posters and t-shirts of their own design (Mr. Busg is a rotten tomato-head!) to elderly activists who clearly had decades of experience. People decorated with every kind of clothing, hair, color, and adornment you can imagine, all peacfully excercising their rights of free speech. It was beautiful. It felt good.

yesterday

2005-09-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

I tell myself the shock hurt
most of all
the surprise betrayal
nearly severed me
but when honesty looks back
I must admit,
I should've known

when you didn't bother to find the words
when your fear covered my joy

I was in it for the long haul
and so never tallied those cuts.
you made scars in my skin and I
let them be mine
The first ten years are the hardest, still
I should've known

when you let me cry for lonely hours
when my journey was your distraction

I watched blindly while you turned
to sand in my arms
held on and on until
I was buried in you
disintegrated
to remnants of what could be
and what I should've known

the remains form a golem girl
who ghosts her way about
hoping to be real again some
one day not too soon
trying to make sense of
what I should've known

california dreaming

2005-09-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

Rat bastard. Not that I expected anything more.

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has confirmed he will veto a bill endorsing gay marriages.

State legislators voted on Tuesday to allow same-sex marriage in California, but the governor said the decision flew in the face of public opinion.

Five years ago Californians backed a proposition opposing the recognition of gay marriages in other states.

"We cannot have a system where the people vote and the legislature derails that vote," said the governor's office.

"Out of respect for the will of the people, the governor will veto," said Mr Schwarzenegger's press secretary, Margita Thompson."

More at http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4224832.stm

all that I have

2005-09-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

Seems like most days now I find my words in music.

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

- sarah mclachlan

ten years gone

2005-08-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

helpless
hopeless
rootless
fruitless
mindless
kindless
human

I have no lid upon my head

2005-08-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

So I went to the drive-in to get a little brain candy, just a bit of mindless entertainment featuring car chases and strapping young heroes with hearts of gold. Yeah.... I think I get it now, why Americans can keep consuming these movies with such vigor. Thing is, in this kind of movie, when someone dies there are Things To Be Done. Vengence can be had. A random senseless death is made into a crusade. No one need settle down with their grief and face it, or wrestle it into submission -- just pick up a weapon and find the bastards responsible! Make them pay, make _someone_ pay for the loss. Take action! Get vindicated! So simple.

And thus my attempt at brain candy turned into the catalyst for a whole slew of realizations....

Guilt is funny thing. So powerful in its secrecy, so pervasive. It can creep in and take hold of your every fiber with such infinite gentleness that you don't even realize that breathing has become a struggle. But every once in a good long while, if you are very lucky, through some terribly unlikely aligment of stars the cosmic tumblers will click just so and you get a Second Chance. I'm guessing the tricky part is knowing when it happens, and then not screwing it up again.

I am paying attention, I swear.

I used to be so definite

2005-07-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

nothing satisfies. restless beyond reason yet pratically paralyzed with inaction. I feel weak for it and know something has got to give. why can I not accept it all and move forward? for months I've been in this house and still my room is full of boxes that blow up in my face whenever I try to unpack. think maybe I should get rid of everything and start over. the best thing I can think right now is to clear everything out until I've one backpack of stuff, get on a plane somewhere and spend the next year or two seeing more of the world as I've always wanted to do. but then I think that is like running away and is so appealing it must be a bad idea.

how can it be so damned hard to simply stay in place? ridiculous.

be a ship in a bottle set sail

2005-07-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

the universe has been trying to tell me something I'm clearly too thick to comprehend. for the past few months I've explored delved damn near spelunked through my head and heart, trying to sort it all out. for brief moments I am teased by wisps of understanding which fade away when I turn to face them. why can't I get it? something about loss, I think... or maybe I'm simply desperate to put some reason to the losses of the past two years. people keep going away and I cannot do a damn thing to stop it. it frustrates me beyond description, until I want to rage at the sky or curl up in bed and stay hidden. now the idea of submission keeps coming to me. Rumi says submission to the will of God is the beginning of wisdom. does that mean submitting to the understanding that each of us is such a miniscule piece of the Whole that our indivdual fates don't much matter in the grand scheme of things? or does it mean accepting that there is no possible means for the human mind to comprehend any divine plan. I want to believe there is, at the very least, balance in the universe. I want to believe I can have some impact on the world, for the better. but part of me cannot stop hollering that submission is just another way of giving up the search for understanding. perhaps I'm overcome by pride and the desire to know? I want answers!

who I am, where I am

2005-04-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

Whoa. Eerie.

Your Life Path Number Is 6

6

You have a strong sense of responsibility: you must feel useful to be happy.

The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support.

This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility...

Thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help.

The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion.

You are a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources.

Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of your Life Path.

Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age...

As a child, you easily spanned the generation gap and assumed an important role in life early on.

While you may assume huge responsibilities in the community, you life revolves around the immediate home and family.

Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed.

You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.

The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path.

Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others.

Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others).

The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness.

Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern.

The natural burdens of your number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6.

This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

if it isn't her

2005-03-30T18:06:00.000-08:00

like polar opposites we revolve around
repelling not to attract
careful greetings to the space just behind me
and you
eyes never meeting in our
conversation without meaning
then
a catyclismic shift in our fragile plane
an accident of continuum
I find you looking, seeing
the space that is me
that glance connects, shocks
realigns a spinning soul
up and down violent interchange
now
breathing optional, hold to the solid thing
with tired hands, aching
pretend believing north is south
face to the east and
wait in vain for the sun

take it slowly

2005-03-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

The Prophet

wait and see

2005-03-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

I try to take one day at a time --
but sometimes several days attack
me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

i'm dizzy from all this spinning

2005-03-11T17:51:00.000-08:00

today is, or would have been, Trey's 8th birthday.

damn.

I'm alright, I'm alright

2005-03-09T18:07:00.000-08:00

"... It's like being on a roundabout, spinning too fast. If I look inward, at my feet, or at my hands clutching the red-painted bar, I can see clearly, if narrowly, where I am in spite of a sick feeling in my stomach and a fear of looking up. But when I pluck up the courage to look up, the world is a terrifying, unhinged blur and I cannot determine whether it is me, or the world, that has come off its axis."

Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight

is that the question?

2005-03-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

this morning I awoke to snow and ice and ponds that were actually frozen over. make a couple hours south by plane, suddenly I am awash in warm sunlight. my body is stiff from an unmoving sleep on the plane, the sunshine too inviting, so I walk to long term parking and make my way further south. orange poppies exploding in bunches on the side of the road, driving with the windows down, music blasting bob marley warm-day tunes. everywhere I see the signs of sunshine returned, bossoms and blossoms are all around, distracting with the scents and sights of spring. awareness I am going home washes me over with a deep searching breath and my lungs are nearly surprised by the unaccustomed openness. learning to breathe again feels good.

how i wish you were here

2005-02-27T19:54:00.000-08:00

thought it was safe to unpack, to try and learn to be settled again. my belongings are a mine field, emotional bombs to tripped without warning. the picture of my brother and his son left me, again, completely undone. useless for hours. time does not heal quickly enough, I fear.

what an earthbound misfit I

2005-02-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

suddenly i am surrounded by stuff, more stuff than I remembered owning. it's grand, and strange, to be in a house with my own room, my own bed. making a new home. confusion seems to be the order of my life these days... confusion and waiting. seems possible now i might be able to pull things together. time will tell.

got seven women on my mind

2005-02-21T18:07:00.000-08:00

she came on like a landslide
changing my terrain
a small series of movements
magnified
I look now and see
a wild foreign land, warm,
abundant
waiting to be discovered
traversed
explored, mapped, named
claimed
tilled furrowed sown --
finally, known
and made home again

Take me back, amazing what a minute can do...

2005-02-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

it's been two weeks. i saw the casket and the hole in the ground, all those grieving faces... and still can't wrap my head around the idea that i'll never see him again. it's like a nightmare i used to have, but i can't wake up.

I did it

2005-02-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

the service is over, the eulogy read. nearly lost it when the little casket was brought in, by managed to hold it together until it was all done. there were over 500 people at the service. so much love shared by one little boy. so blessed to have had him in our lives, even for such a short time...

strength, courage, and wisdom...

2005-02-05T01:44:00.000-08:00

I think I'm ready...



I finally managed to write the notes for my nephew's 

eulogy. I've been thinking about it all week, know 

what I want to say, just couldn't get past the idea 

of it....  But speaking at the service is the only 

thing my brother has asked me to do, because he simply 

cannot.  He needs this, I am not going to let him down. 



I can do this, I know I can.

what to say, what to say

2005-01-31T21:32:00.000-08:00

time moves strangely in grief

the sight of his burial clothes was nearly too much to bear

i must find a way to tell his story at the service, but i'm not sure i have it in me

send me strength

time after time

2005-01-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

there's something so distressingly wrong about the death of a child.

my little nephew passsed about an hour ago. he was 7 years old. not a long life, certainly not an easy one, but he made an impact where ever he went. everyone loved him, total strangers would smile broadly when they saw him go by. he was the only nephew I was able to be with when he wass born; his birth was complicated and ended up being a c-section, so I spent a good while at my brother's home helping to care for the newborn. he looked so much like me that everyone assumed he was my son, and would exclaim at the completeness of our likeness. he loved music and could never get enough of it. his favorite thing in the world was to be in the swimming pool. he brought light into every life around him. the world seems askew without him.

...thought I knew what life was for

2005-01-27T17:21:00.000-08:00

i've been tied up in my world of transition for so long now i'm not sure what real life feels like. fair warning is due here, though, as the topic of this post is a difficult one.

my nephew has been back in the hospital for days now, getting worse as time passes. he's on the most extensive measures of life support available, but thankfully is also being kept full of morphine so at least he's not in pain.... the doctors say we'll know in the next 24 hours if they're going to be able to help him, but they've been letting people in to say their good-byes for most of the day. a small part of me feels like it would be best for the kid to get off the Wheel and go on to another life, one that's not full of hospital stays and constant physical problems. another bit wants to see him grow up. but i think most of me is just struggling with shock and denial... i feel like i should go see him, be there to support my brother, but i 'm not sure i can do it. i decided already not to see my nephew in the hostpital; if he doesn't make it i'd much rather have my last memories of him be from the recent holiday fun.... i can forgive myself for this, but knowing if i have what it takes to go be supportive of my brother while he's dealing with this... i'm just not sure what to do, what action i will be satisfied living with in the long run.

this tidal wave

2005-01-13T01:36:00.000-08:00

...

with a broken heart

how much more

can i take the message

from body to soul



i believe in love

i swear by love

believe me my love



how long

like a prisoner of grief

can i beg for mercy



you know i'm not

a piece of rock or steel

but hearing my story

even water will become

as tense as a stone



if i can only recount

the story of my life

right out of my body

flames will grow



-- Rumi

lullaby

2005-01-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

thoughts from a hot tub...

a blissfully long, hot shower, then let myself slide into the tub. what unrivaled decadence, to allow oneself to be completely embraced by hot water, to relax utterly, and simply breathe. outside the open window bamboo bends to tell of the coming storm. the sky is a startling mix of bright blue and storm grey. floating, watching, I see steam rising, the shadows of clouds coming from my skin. heat and moisture. moisture and heat. sunlight and water. the stuff of life. rising up from my body to the sky to the storm to the ground to be found again and again. for a while I understand the cycle of life, and it is peaceful.

that's not the way the world is, baby

2005-01-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

"A thousand accumulated moments come to fruition
in a few seconds. Your cells are reassembled. Struck,
your metal melted. Your burnt shape is branded into
the chair, vacancy where once you inhabited society.
Worst of all, she appears to you as everything you've
ever lost. As the one you've missed the most."

-- Fugitive Pieces

what day is this

2005-01-08T01:38:00.000-08:00

astonishing how such an innocuous item as a blanket can leave me completely undone.

open a closet to browse for the rumored extra blanket. find it it is at first glance exactly like the one she had on her bed when we first met. green velour, thick with warmth and texture. so many hours spent wrapped together under that blanket, talking and hoping and planning for the future, our future. how can it be that nothing turned out that way?

I feel like an alien in a badly fitted lorie suit, wandering around town, neatly puzzled by all the places my life used to be.

"All busy in the sunlight
The flecks did float and dance,
And I was tumbled up with them
In formless circumstance.

I’ll try to say a little more:
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door –
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone."

- leonard cohen

tongue tied and twisted

2005-01-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

Just because there is a small bowl of a a white crystaline substance next to the tea makings does NOT necessarily mean the substance is sugar. It could be salt and it could taste really, horribly awful when you take a big sip of coffee.

Oy.

any many times confused...

2005-01-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

Not having a place to live, my own den in which to settle down for the night, is far more difficult than I imagined it would be. Keeping track of what needs doing from day to day is complicated by the same lack. I'd no idea I was so attached to having a nest, and I thought I knew!

My brother is going to be, thankfully, just fine so long as he does everything his doctors tell him to do. Amazing.

I saw my nephews over the holidays. They are a joy, pure and simple.

lightning crashes

2005-01-02T00:46:00.000-08:00

how many times undone
can one person be
as they're careening through the facade
of their favorite fantasy
you just close your eyes slowly
like you're waiting for a kiss
and hope some lowly little power
will pull you out of this
but none comes at first
and little comes at all
and when inspiration finally hits you
it barely even breaks your fall

and many times confused

2004-12-18T18:25:00.000-08:00

brother is doing better. he'll have to wear a large back brace for the next 2-4 months, but there is no damage to the spinal cord. kidney stopped bleeding on its own and he's feeling well enough to complain. phew!

heading out there in a couple of days...

the wheel in the sky keeps on turning

2004-12-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

my youngest brother was in a bad wreck last night, just outside gallup, new mexico. his pick-up blew a tire while he was towing a trailer. right now all I know is that his back is broken in three places and his kidney is lacerated and won't stop bleeding. he couldn't feel his legs after the accident or last night, but this morning said he could feel them again.... he's being transferred from gallup to the U of NM medical trauma center as I type this, where a surgeon is going to work on his kidney and a specialist check his spinal cord for problems.

meanwhile, his son, my nephew Trey, is in the hospital with pneumonia again. only two days this time, and rumor has it he will be released to go home this afternoon.

I'd be very grateful if ya'll would pray / send strong, healthy thoughts their way.

you have nothing to fear

2004-12-15T22:34:00.000-08:00

Wow. Everything in this country is so BIG, the roads, food, drinks, cars, noises... It's just whacky. I am experiencing massive culture shock, massive, I tell you. Still, I managed to drive myself (in my giant vehicle) to Auburn today and visit my kitties, hang out with the ex. It was much more simple than I thought it could be, and all went well. Time does help after all.

If anyone wants to see pictures I took a whole bunch; just drop a line and I'll do a show.

dream a little dream

2004-12-11T23:42:00.000-08:00

I can't shake the feeling that I'm supposed to call someone now that I'm here.

Terribly disconcerting.

sure is good to be back home again

2004-12-11T23:01:00.000-08:00

safe and sleepy at eugene & amelia's place. bed time now.

time after time

2004-12-10T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'm all packed up. My room is clear and my mind is terribly clouded. Alas.

Spent a good part of the afternoon and early evening at the christmas market, even managed to complete the small bit of holiday shopping I planned for this year. The place was beautifully lit up with decorations in the trees and a little kid train toodling around, more charming than.... than a sack of charming monkeys. Yeah, that's it.

I leave for the airport in 14 hours. Feels like I just got here. Weird.

you each time

2004-12-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

Alright, I know I should be packing up and preparing to leave, but I just don't want to do it. Instead I'm lounging about drinking capuccino, fighting the occasional urge for a cigarette, and trying to decide what the heck I should do when I get back to California. The desire to head out travelling again is extremely strong, Thailand especially is calling to me, but I'm guessing that has a lot more to do with wanting to escape than wanting to travel. Hrm....

I wonder if I'm very different now? I suppose living in another culture for three months is bound to change a person, I mean, that is part of the point, yes? But have I grown, become more of who I want to be? I have tried, goodness knows I have tried, but I was so... damaged when I left home that I just can't get a decent reading on my current emotional/spiritual state of mind. Hrm, again I say, hrm...

too many choices...

2004-12-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

Finals are done. I still have a couple of short papers to write, but everything else is finished. Tomorrow is the last day of classes, since Wednesday is a major holiday in Austria. I'm planning on a visit to the art history museum and the armory for my day about town. And tomorrow night, back to the christmas market and mulled punch. Yummy.

overthere

2004-12-05T18:48:00.000-08:00

two down and two to go. final exams, that is. they were both take home thingies, which always make me more nervous somehow. sheesh.

my brain hurts.

when we used to dance

2004-12-05T05:18:00.000-08:00

everyone tells me the pain will lessen in time, but that just doesn't seem to be true. I miss my old life, and it aches like a hole in my gut that won't heal. even when things were difficult, we got through it, or I thought we did. I miss my little family, quiet little kitty battles over who would sleep in between us. I never had a friend so close, who I could spend so much time with and still enjoy being with, as I had with her. I was so damned certain we could make it through anything, I tried so hard, and for what? to be dumped like so much unwanted junk? it was so good for so long, and then... how will I ever trust anyone to love me, or to be part of my life again? I want to at least be capable of being her friend, but every time she says she misses me it feels like a hot knife twisting in my belly and I don't know how to make it better. where can I go from here? all I want right now is to go back, or to run away and keep myself so busy there is no time for regret. I keep trying to focus on the good things, but my old life sneaks into my dreams and I awake to more pain and confusion. damn damn damn damn damn.

why can't life be simple, or at least easy once in a while?

lather, rinse, and repeat

2004-12-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

It's 8am, and I just returned from escorting J to the airport. We had a grand time in Venice, many adventures and loads of fun. It's an incredibly beautiful decaying place, full of the irony of humanity's attempt to control nature. Drank too much, ate too much, but didn't get too lost....

One more week of school -- final exams next week and my brain is already preparing to explode. Loads and loads of writing and project work to complete this weekend. I'm completely freaked out about the idea of going back to California; not sure where I'm going to stay or even how I'll get there. What will I do without a nearly perfect mass transportation system? Without 15 museums within 15 minutes of my room? I think I've decided I need a good long while as a single woman before I'll be ready for a serious relationship again. And I'm completely weirded out about seeing the ex-wife, especially as her boyfriend just moved in. I want to be gracious but I just don't know if I'm capable of it yet. We shall see....

Alright, I've had very little sleep and way too much coffee; I'm rambling! I'd better make use of all this energy to get some work done. Ciao!

I want something else to get me through this

2004-11-26T05:06:00.000-08:00

Last night a lovely young woman took me out on a date. I've gone on lots of dates in my time, but usually I'm the one making decisions, choosing events, etc.. This time I didn't need to do anything but follow the girl and smile a lot. We went for coffee after school, watching the skaters at the outdoor rink downtown. Then _we_ went skating, which I'd not done since I was 10 or 11 years old. It was grand fun, and I only fell down three times; twice because I'm a spaz and once because I was cut off and knocked off balance by a clueless couple. We had a blast, and worked up a good appetite as well. Next was a jaunt down to the Museum Quartier where we wandered about the Christmas Market and found a wonderful Austrian restaurant where I enjoyed yummy mulled red wine and one of the most delicious meals I've had since arriving in Vienna. (My date didn't even mind when another woman started flirting with me! Oh, my ego is so Id these days.) Afterwards we wandered about a bit more in the christmas market and watched all the people drinking their wine and chatting and smoking (which I wanted to, but didn't). The sky was clear, the moon full and bright. A wonderful evening, to be sure.

Now I'm off to the airport to fetch ms julie, then begins another grand adventure!

everybody knows

2004-11-25T02:36:00.000-08:00

A quick update while I indulge in a break from school work...

- I'm glad not to be in the US for Thanksgiving, but I still miss you all.
- Budapest was a wonderful adventure, terribly cold and windy but enjoyable nonetheless. One of the most stunning edifices I've had the pleasure to visit is Matthias Church. Wow.
- Bread here is REAL bread, not that squishy useless stuff we get at home.
- I'm bouncing with excitement about going to Venice.
- I'm in love with Leonard Cohen.
- One of my hausmates is from Ukraine, and it's painful to see how the election uproar there is affecting her. She is 26 and already a university professor; I'm concerned for her safety when she returns home in a few days.
- I quit smoking last Sunday.
- After lengthy discussions with my history professor and a whole lot of soul searching, I've decided I will work for a master's degree in history (US and World) rather than persue law school. I'll be happier in the long run.

listen to the mandolin rain

2004-11-18T16:54:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting to post here, hoping to have time for a properly detailed update of my adventures, but it seems that it just isn't going to happen. My days are filled with lectures, homework, loads of introspection and other such therapy type moments, and a fair amount of dating. As I mentioned to a friend earlier today, between the feedback I continue to get from professors and attention from the womenly folk, my ego is going to need its own seat for the flight home. Not that it's a bad thing...

Tomorrow morning I head to the town of Krems in Lower Austria for a weekend of nature loving and exploring the small medievil town, enjoying the castles and museums. (Vienna is gorgeous, but it is a big city and I'm a small town kind of woman who needs to see some mountains to mantain proper mental health. Heh.) Tuesday and Wednesday my whole school group will be in Budapest, which should be a wonderful event. Friday I meet up with a friend visiting from the US, then we take the train to Venice on Saturday for a few days of getting lost, canal rides, and soaking up the art and architecture of the place. It's going to be grand!

The semester ends in three weeks. Time flies and all that... Wow.

pushing the needle too far

2004-11-17T00:30:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't already, get the book America: A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction. It's a damn fine bit of wry entertainment. I highly recommend the audiobook version, read by Jon Stewart. Fun!

I feel spiffy, oh so spiffy

2004-11-10T13:23:00.000-08:00

Finally received midterm papers and exams back from my professors. I aced everything, and I'm so dang pleased with myself I decided to post some of the comments my history prof wrote on the exam.

Question: Discuss the intellectual concept of human progress as it evolved and changed in the Western World over the course of the 1600's through the 1800's.

Ahem.

"Your sophisticated grasp of the power of ideas to change history for millions is strongly expressed here. You do a good job of noting the momentous shifts in human evolution that occurred as a result..."

I'll try not to hurt myself with all the back patting. Now back to our regularly scheduled homework.

before these crowded streets

2004-11-09T02:17:00.000-08:00

It's snowing! I can see the snow tickling the rooftop gardens from my room, and the snow dancing and swirling around in the gusting wind. Life is good.

it's a beautiful day

2004-11-07T19:15:00.000-08:00

Caught in a bout of insomnia tonight I realized that I'd not posted about my visit to the Czech Republic, specifically Cesky Krumlov and Prague. This was another of the "field trips" which were part of the school program, so I was with the whole class of 40 students and two professors as well as our guide Barbara, the bus driver Franz (Viva la Franz!) and the dean from Sierra College who was visiting Vienna. Due to the dean's presence the whole journey was a bit more subdued than Munich and Salzburg, which basically meant no drunken sing-alongs on the bus. Heh.

Cesky Krumlov is a remarkably scenic little medievil town built on the Vltava River and is said not to have changed much since the 18th century. The place was loaded with tourists but still charming as all get out. We were only there for a few hours and I wanted to explore, so I ditched the group and guided tour to have some alone time. It was an uncharacteristically clear day with a sky full of fluffy clouds, perfect for meandering. I wandered around for a couple of hours, peeking into shops to look for holiday gifts. Ended up at a small cafe on the river, where I sat outside and drank the world's best capuccino for a while. From there I could see the riot of color on the changing trees and watch the river laze on by. The town's gate and walls are built into the rock of the hills which surround it and I was just amazed by the atmosphere of the place. Very enjoyable, despite the too short visit.

From there we drove on to Prague, passing through several other small cities on the way. It was a bit depressing, to be honest. Most of the buildings I could see from the bus were huge industrial looking apartment buildings full of graffiti; it actually reminded me a lot of the Projects in New York City. The Czech Republic is still privatizing businesses from its time as a communist country, so I suppose it's not too unusual to see such edifaces, but it was disappointing to see such gorgeous countryside marred that way.

Prague itself is a beautiful city, from the right angles at least. It was absolutely crawling with English tourists (as it apparently all the rage for holiday spots in England these days) but still had a definite charm to it that couldn't be negated by the crowds and ever present grafitti on nearly every unguarded building. We had an all day guided walking tour of the city, mostly up in the hills of the castle district along that ol' Vltava river. Saw the sprawling 9th century Prague Castle, Schwarzenburg Palace, the Old Royal Palace, then the stunning St. Vitus Cathedral. After checking out the window where the defenistration that started the Thirty Years War we inched our way through the crowdsd down to Krumlov Most (Charles Bridge) and made our way into the town square. What a place for people watching! A huge square surrounded by beautiful buildings, including a gothic clock tower and Saint Nicolaus Church, which had the most perfect princess-rescuing towers Shrek could have ever imagined. Spent the rest of the afternoon wandering the area around the square, watching the people and drinking the incredibly delicous and blessedly cheap beer. I was hanging out with a couple of others students and we found a mexican food restaurant called "Mama Lucy's." It smelled so good we went in and ate a late lunch, which was a good thing because the "historic" place the group went for supper served the worst food in the country, I'm quite sure of it. I know, I know, so silly to even try to eat mexican food in Prague, but it was remarkably good even though my nachos were made with mozzarella cheese. Just getting corn tortillia chips and really good homemade salsa was worth it, but they also served a very good dark beer called "Velvet" that I drank way too much of but enjoyed thoroughly. Beer is cheaper than soda pop, anyway...

The next day we toured the old Jewish Quarter, then had a few hours to explore. I was pleased to find the house where Franz Kafka lived and wrote for a few years, and even more excited to see the statue commenmorating Tycho Brae. Wandered back to the town square for more excellent people watching fun, then met up with the rest of the group for the excrutiatingly long bus ride back to Vienna. Good times!

I've got class in a few hours, so I'm going to try and sleep again. Cheers!

up and down puppy's hair

2004-11-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

This just in from the White House:

"A new presidential pooch will soon be roaming the halls of the White House. President Bush marked Laura Bush's birthday Thursday by announcing he would give her a Scottish terrier puppy that is a relative of the current first dog, Barney."

Oh please. You and I both know someone promised W. a new puppy if he won the election. This kind of cover up is shameful, shameful I tell you!

Sheesh. Did we really need a press release about a puppy?

and we sang dirges in the dark

2004-11-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

I'm back in Vienna, only slightly the worse for wear. Too tired and spaced out to post anything interesting; just letting ya'll know I made it. Turns out the most dangerous things in Istanbul are the "sidewalks," the taxi drivers, and trying to figure out the money. 1 euro = ~1,870,000 turkish lira. Ohhh, my freakin' head!

she'll make the best of what's around

2004-10-30T01:57:00.000-07:00

I've managed to find and settle into the hostel here in Instanbul. The city is awesome, hectic, and more than a bit overwhelming. I love it! The people are friendly, the food is delicious and reasonably priced, with loads of fresh fruit and veggies, unlike the Sausage Capitol. Spent the morning wandering around, albeit quite slowly due to the gimpy foot. Found that wearing a head scarf makes all the difference to the touts, most of whom will not harass me when the scarf is on. An interesting experiment, indeed... Some of you expressed concern about my travelling here alone, but I must say it would be difficult for me to stand out as offensive in any way with the plethora of Italians and Spaniards running around half-dressed. I've not seen any other Americans, US or Canada, and the people with whom I've spoken tell me they rarely see Americans in the city either. It's shame, really. This is a beautiful place, chock to the brim with extrodinary examples of architecture and art. I don't know how I will react when I come home; having only ugly new utilitarian edifices to ponder... Ahh well, off to meditate at the Aya Sofia. Cheers!

war! what is it good for? absolutely nothing.

2004-10-30T01:53:00.000-07:00

Bin Laden suggested Bush was slow to react to the Sept. 11 attacks, giving the hijackers more time than they expected. At the time of the attacks, the president was listening to schoolchildren in Florida reading a book.
"It never occurred to us that the commander in chief of the American armed forces would leave 50,000 of his citizens in the two towers to face these horrors alone," he said, referring to the number of people who worked at the World Trade Center.
"It appeared to him (Bush) that a little girl's talk about her goat and its butting was more important than the planes and their butting of the skyscrapers. That gave us three times the required time to carry out the operations, thank God," he said.

Oy. Be sure to vote people.

I'm still alive

2004-10-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

No internet access in the dorms since my last post here, despite daily promises to repair the server. Three days in Prague, which I'll post about later, after I get this update here so every knows I'm alive and kicking. Well, maybe not so much with the kicking, seeing as I've managed to break or dislocate my big toe. (I don't know what happened, but I suspect I kicked the footboard on my too short bed during a particularly adventurous dream.) I leave for Istanbul tomorrow morning (29 Oct) and plan to return on 4 November. Life is never boring!

maybe they liked it better that way

2004-10-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

We get a one week break from school at the end of October and I've booked tickets to Istanbul, a place I've wanted to see since I first got my hands on an atlas. Found a decent hostel close to the center of everything, about 5 minutes walk to the Hagia Sophia. I'll be there during the middle of Ramadan, which means there will be music and celebration most every night. Oy! I am beside myself with excitement!

*bounce bounce*

who could ask for more?

2004-10-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

I'm confused. It's a dead man's party. Ok, I can hang there, no problem. But if you leave your body and soul at the door, what is left to join the party? How can you listen to the music with no body or soul? No body also says beverages and snacks are out.. it's a cheap date at least. Is this just someone's clever trick to keep from having to do all the post-party clean up? I just don't get it....

Midterm exams start on Monday. I don't like exams.

And yes, I'm procrastinating.

memories, like fingerprints, are slowly raising...

2004-10-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

We left too early on Friday morning, 43 americans loaded onto a tour bus with driver Franz and guide Barbara. Austrians have no trouble getting up butt early in the AM and they found it amusing we were all grumbling and cranky.. A long 5 hours later (thank all the gods for iPod) found us settling into a rather nice hotel in Munich. My room had a BATHTUB! Ohhh, the joy of soaking in hot water... After check in we went on a tour of Munich, which was almost totally destroyed in WW II so most of the buildings are fairly new. Watched the 5pm glockenspiel show, then spent a couple of hours exploring the city center with cute girl. Did some people watching while enjoying about a liter of what must be the most delicious dark wheat beer in the world. Met up with the group again and walked to the "world famous" Hofbrauhaus for supper. Oh. My. God. What a freakin madhouse. The place is set up for buffet style service, and it was packed to the brim. There were about 600 people from all parts of the world drinking liter size mugs of beer and eating sausages. I didn't feel up to waiting in line for 30 minutes and so sat with Barbara and some of the other girls, drinking more yummy wheat beer all the while. There was live traditional music being played by a group in leiderhosen and other fun looking clothes. After a while we managed to get some food, about the time the dancing started on stage. What an entertaining evening... Every so often a pretty young woman in a wild costume would get up and lead us all to drink and hollar. Oy, that beer is downright quaffable. We all got quite drunk, had a grand time schunkling and singing and being rowdy. At some point Barbara disappeared, but it didn't take long to discover why. I heard the band leader wishing me a happy birthday, then he led the whole dang hall full of people in a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday. It's a good thing to have 600+ people singing to ME! One of my professors made me stand up so everyone would know to whom they were singing, which led to a great deal of cheering and toasting and more hollaring. Eventually we all made it back to the bus, singing "American Pie" and other such stuff on the way back to the hotel. A long, hot bubble bath while listening to the pouring rain was the perfect way to end the evening. It was a grand adventure, and by the groans and grumbling I heard at breakfast next morning, good times were had by all.

Saturday brought us another early bus ride, this time to Salzburg. I'm told the scenery was lovely, despite or because of the fog and rain, depending on who you ask. Myself, I get terribly carsick and can only cope with the bus by covering my eyes and listening to loud music. Strange napping, then I wake to one of the prettiest little towns I've ever imagined. We enjoyed a long walking tour of the town, although there were a good number of "Sound of Music" references I missed from lack of seeing the movie. The whole group was taken to tour Mozart's birth house... It was quite a charge to be strolling through the rooms where young Wolfgang learned to walk himself... A couple of friends and I went exploring and ate a strange meal in a quaint little pub. I enjoyed some of the most amazing espresso in the history of the world, served with a tiny little chocolate bar that was the perfect thing to bring out the taste of both. I apparently made some noises that embarassed the girls; references were made to that scene in "When Harry Met Sally" but damn, it was so good I couldn't help myself... The group met up again for hotel check in, this time with an even better bathtub and my own little covered porch looking out over the street. I had another bath before we all walked to the city center for supper at an upscale, decidedly non-touristy restaurant. The food was traditional and very good. Barbara said we only got into the place because everything else was booked up due to the annual "long night of the museums" festival, where all the museums are open until about 1am... It was a subdued evening, I think most of us were tired and trying to conserve some energy for Sunday's trip to the concentration camp. Walked back to the hotel in the mizzling rain and took yet another hot bubble bath, this time for something like two hours, while I read my book, then crashed for the night.

Sunday morning Barbara gave me a cardboard crown from Rosenburger's (kinda like the denny's of austria) which she had decorated for my birthday. The whole crew sang Happy Birthday to me, twice! Then we headed out to some little town where they shot the wedding scene from "The Sound of Music." I didn't feel like going into a tourist church, so instead I communed with some horses in a field, then wandered down to the docks of the lake and watched the ducks for a while. The place was grey and quiet and beautifully sad somehow...
Too much leftover pain from WWII, says Barbara.

Now is the time to stop reading if you're having a rough day, or just don't want to know what it was like for someone like me to see a concentration camp.

A few more minutes and the bus delivered us to the astonishingly beautiful town of Mauthausen and walking into the gates of the concentration camp (http://remember.org/camps/mauthausen). I almost can't believe I was able to walk around the place.... I decided using a camera was not the thing to do, but I took one of my journals to write and sketch the experience. I still don't have the words to truly explain what it was like, being there. I took my time, wandered off alone to see what I could see. The landscape around the camp is amazingly beautiful, so incongruous as to be distressing. How could people be so cruel in the midst of such beauty? It was puzzling and frustrating to see cattle grazing in the fields just outside the camp boundries, knowing from the information posted that the grass on which they fed was, in the not too distant past, fertilized by the bodies and ashes of camp victims. Found myself in a cemetary created after the war ended, in which they laid to rest the remains of 8000 victims who had been hastilty buried in a mass grave. The whole camp was built of stone quarried on site, dragged up over 200 very steep steps known by prisoners as the "staircase of death" as so many of them died trying to get up and down the steps with their wasted bodies. So many stones, laid perfectly in the walls and cobbled paths... Next I went into one of the prisoner's barracks, with a few bunks still standing to help illustrate the conditions. A 6'x4' photo on the wall showed barely human skeletons being inspected by an SS officer, most of them staring into nothingness, but for one soul piercing gaze from what had to be a recently arrived prisoner who still looked like a living being. I stood at the window and felt the wooden sill under my nails, wondering how many hands had held themselves up there, looking for the sky... Next found myself entering the crematorium, drawn into the depths of the underground dying places. An autopsy room still contained the stone slab and basin where experimental information was gathered from the dead... the chill of that place froze my heart and mind so I had to lean on the wall to catch myself. The next room contained a hanging hook, simple and brutal. There was a woman there with her three amazingly Arayan daughters, ages about 7, 10, and 16. She was carefully explaining (in German) the purpose of the hook to the girls, the two youngest looked puzzled beyond belief. I'm still not sure how I feel about that -- is it better for children to learn of these attrocities in such an intimate way? Will that help ensure it never happens again? I just don't know... I took a few deep breaths and steeled myself for the showers, but it was hopeless. The moment I crossed the threshold my I could feel my insides screaming, my legs gave out and I simply couldn't breath.... The woman with her children walked into the room a few moments later, and their presence somehow allowed me to get it together and move on. It took way too long to search my way out of that place, it was like a maze, but I managed and found myself in the present sunshine once again. Saw a memorial laid for the souls of a few brave men who risked their lives to bury the ashes of war heroes who had been executed at the site. This touched me almost more than anything else, perhaps because it was such a blessedly human act, to bury the dead with dignity, despite the danger. I realized it was time to leave or I would miss the bus and be stuck in hell.. Lit a smoke, offered some to the unquiet dead, and headed back down into reality. Spent a few much needed moments outside with my feet in the grass, looking out over the hills and trying to remember how to breath again. Got on the bus, covered my head and listened to Vladimir Horowitz playing Mozart for a long time. I was almost angry with the people who got back on the bus laughing and behaving, well, normally, I suppose. I was furious that in all the information posted there wasn't a single mention of the 10-15 thousand queers that were put to death in the camps, or how the worse fates came to those marked with a pink triangle. Finally starting to regain my equilibrium today, I think....

All in all it was a good birthday weekend, and an enlightening experience, to be sure. As I said before, it made me incredibly grateful to have another birthday.

I can't think of much else to say now.

but I look for the light through the pouring rain

2004-10-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

If ever you want to feel exceptionally grateful to have another birthday, go see a concentration camp.

"Everything can be taken from a man but ...the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

- Viktor Frankl

as the cluttered streets greet me once again

2004-10-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

Sheesh. School and life are keeping me busy. I suppose I could go clubbing and exploring with the other students during the week, but it seems I just don't feel like drinking or cavorting much when there is homework and laundry and other such stuff to do... Heading out to Munich Friday morning, then to Salzburg on Saturday and Sunday. Big plans brewing to celebrate my birthday Saturday night, sounds like it could get a little crazy and I am so looking forward to it! Sunday will be a bit subdued, I imagine, as we're visiting a WWII work camp. I still haven't decided how much of it I will be able to explore... Expect a full report come Monday.

the next good thing to come my way

2004-10-05T02:33:00.000-07:00

"This is what the human story is, not the emperors and the generals and their wars, but the nameless actions of people who are never written down, the good they do for others passed on like a blessing, just doing for strangers what your mother did for you, or not doing what she always spoke against. And all that carries forward and makes us what we are."

The Years of Rice and Salt

everything's gonna be alright

2004-10-03T01:16:00.000-07:00

I really love this city. It is an adventure every day!

Spent the day Friday doing laundry and homework. Laundry is an interesting prospect, since there are 2 washers and 2 dryers for a dorm with 80 students. Fun. Got a lot of reading done at least. A couple of friends and I tried to get supper at the Hoofbrau Haus Friday night, but they closed early for some reason I couldn't grok. The owner pointed us to another place that was still open, so we ended up in a smokey little tavern eating huhnerschnitzel (like weinerschnitzel, but made with chicken) and greek salads while drunken Hungarians played guitar and fiddle duets. The guy running the place got all excited about "the govinator" when he learned we were from California, and felt it necessary to remind us Ahnold came out of Austria. It was amusing, and a little bit disturbing...

Spent most of Saturday wandering around the city, watching people and looking for a reasonably priced coat. It started pouring buckets just as I walked by a shop with a load of leather coats on sale. I know it's awful, but I so can't resist leather, especially at bargain prices. I found a sweet black leather coat with a zip out liner that keeps me warm and dry. Apparently it works for me, cause I've been getting more attention from the womanly types since I started wearing it. Hubba hubba, it's good to be me....

Saturday night a bunch of us got together for pizza and a showing of "Charlie's Angels." I swear the best pizza in the world comes from Da Pizza Mann, in 30 minutes or less even! Had another date on Sunday, which didn't turn out in any way like I planned -- I forgot my map and we got lost -- but still had a grand time. Ended up in one of the public gardens near the Habsburg's city palace, just walking and people watching for hours. It was remarkable to see how many Viennese sit in the park and read or chat with friends or just plain sit and enjoy. Sundays are very quiet here, hardly anyone works and nothing is open outside the main bus stations. All the state sponsored museums offer free entrance on Sundays, or there is usually at least one concert open to the public. Music and literature are an important part of everyday life here. Imagine that.

I am enjoying my classes so much it's almost eerie. Time flies by, the lectures are fascinating, and my brain is sponging up everything as quickly as my profs can pour it out. This afternoon we had a field trip to the Prater, a very old amusment park with a huge, slow-moving ferris wheel from which you can see almost the whole city. As some of you may know, I am scared of heights and absolutely terrified of ferris wheels. I didn't want to miss out, so I rode it anyway and only freaked out a little bit. Took some brilliant photos, which I will post as soon as this hosting site is fully repaired. (It's been down for days, which is why there hasn't been an update here sooner.)

Today I received a birthday card from Randall and Vince. Mad love to both of them for rocking my world with goodness.

I'm sure there's more to say, but I can hear a party going outside my window and I must needs investigate. Auf weider suhn.

these boots were made for walking

2004-09-30T02:34:00.000-07:00

I had a date last night, and it was Good. Found a quaint, queer friendly basement bistro tucked away in a quiet ally near Stephensdom, serving delicious Spanish Italian tapas. Score one for me. The handsome Italian waiter was friendly, efficient and unobstrusive. Score two. Chose the perfect bottle of Chianti and even looked like I knew what I was doing when tasting for approval. We walked through the park for a while after supper... The full moon was shining, the weather was obligingly perfect, my date was funny and interesting and pretty. She thinks I'm clever and likes my smile. Score three for me.

Damn, I feel smooooooth.

darkness creeps in like a thief, and offers no relief

2004-09-28T01:52:00.000-07:00

I am so bloody cranky today. RAWR! All should tremble before my wrath!

It's been three weeks since I left and I've no idea what is going on with any one of my friends at home. If only there was a cheap, convienent, easy to use medium for communicating over long distances. Bah.

While I'm whining I might as well make a shameless plug for my birthday, which is 10 October. It'd be awfully nice to get some cards or something.
Contact info:

Attn: Lorie Hull
Apt. 29
WONHEIM COMENIUSGASSE
Comeniusgasse 9
A-1170 Wien Austria
tel: 011 43 1 12 700 29

Anything larger than a standard envelope should be shipped to:
Journeys of Discovery Vienna
c/o Daniel Kravina
attn: lorie hull
Neustift am Walde 89/14
A-1190 Wien Austria

come to my window

2004-09-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

I love the view from my room. Wrapped in the comfort of my bed, I can still see the sky as I drift off to sleep. Most often I open wide the window and reach out to my own little piece of Vienna, marvelling at rooftop gardens either ignored or adored, nothing in between. The moon strolls across my sight each evening, adorned by great billowing clouds hurrying their way to the sea. At times it feels like I found a secret treehouse, that no one knows I'm up here watching the world settle into place moment by moment. Peace can be tasted in the light of dusk, so long as you're paying attention.

Life Is Good.

there's a little black spot on the sun today

2004-09-25T02:23:00.000-07:00

On Thursday the Republican Party owned up to sending mass mailings to residents of Arkansas and West Virginia demonizing homosexuals and predicting liberals would ban the Bible if Democrats won in November.

The campaign literature featured a picture of the Bible with the label "banned" slapped on top of it, and a picture of a man proposing to another man with the caption "allowed."

The New York Times reported Christine Iverson, a spokeswoman for the Republican National Committee (RNC), confirmed the party did send the letters.

- Christopher Curtis, PlanetOut Network
--------------------------------------------------

Hate is not a family value, dammit!

I am going to research the possibility of getting asylum and citizenship in Canada if the Shrub wins the election. And I will leave the US if a constitutional ammendment banning same sex marriage somehow gets passed. Seems like most other CIVILIZED countries are acknowledging same sex unions. I hate feeling persecuted in my own country.

here comes the rain again

2004-09-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

I simply cannot deny it any longer. I am ill. Miserably so. My flatmate Gorana has been sick for days, along with a whole boatload of peeps from my group. I suppose I should have stayed in yesterday instead of shopping, but I needed speakers for my laptop. We got lost on the way home and spent too long walking in the dark, as the temperature dropped dramatically. Getting soaked during our walking tour of the city on Thursday surely didn't help matters any. Now my head feels liked its been stuffed full of wet wool, my nose is on a marathon, and my lungs feel like I'm breathing soup. Oh, bet my snogging friend wakes up sick too... Then some cruel fool rang my doorbell at this ridiculous 5am hour and I can't breath well enough to go back to sleep. Time for some hot tea, since there are no toddy makings to be had... Ugh.

Ahh, I'm grateful for the coming weekend since I can stay in bed and not miss any classes. Yes, my courses are that interesting, and both of my professors have thus far been able to follow and answer all of my questions. Plus the lectures are well planned and presented.

I'm such a nerd. Sheesh.

I am a rock, I am an island

2004-09-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

- Getting lost in Vienna is fun, but the transport system is so good you can't stay lost for long.
- The mesmerizing gothic towers of Stephensdom cathedral seem to have been built from stone Legos. Soon I will figure out how to get inside the cathedral.
- The best french fries in the world are served at Hoofbrau Haus on Mariahilferstrasse.
- There are an alarming number of sushi restaurants in this landlocked country.
- The Emperor Josef II (ruled from 1780-90) published an estimated 6000 decrees and 11,000 laws in his time as ruler.
- Panhandlers are the same speaking German as they are speaking English. Annoying.

Things I should have brought with me, but didn't: a raincoat, annie's mac and cheese, notebook paper, a calendar, an umbrella, more burt's bees lip balm, refills for my pens, tortillias, house slippers, mud boots, Legos, and a coffee cup with a lid.

I'm going to need more clothes soon and shopping here is complicated. Maybe I'll just keep wearing the stuff that doesn't fit. Walking all over is good for me.

The best pizza EVER can be delivered by Pizza Mann in 30 minutes, or it's free. Just don't order the egg, gorganzola, and basil pizza. Ewwww.

I can't get over the fact that I'm missing SPARGE. It's just wrong.

I miss you all. It'd be good to get SOME EMAIL and hear what's going on.

Gosh, I seem to be rambling. Must be time for bed.

put it in the pantry with your cupcakes

2004-09-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

WTF mate?

------------------------------------------------
Tom Musbach, PlanetOut Network

On Wednesday a fledgling group of black, gay Republicans endorsed George W. Bush for a second term as president, countering the stand taken by the nation's largest gay and lesbian GOP organization.

The Abe Lincoln Black Republican Caucus (ALBRC), which was founded in 2002 to address the needs of young, black, gay Republicans in Dallas, said the endorsement was fueled by the Log Cabin Republicans (news - web sites)' refusal to endorse Bush.

"We think that the 'Republican Tent' is inclusive and there is room for differences, but one does not pick up their marbles and go home if there are a few points of disagreement," ALBRC spokesman Anthony Falls said in a prepared statement. "The ALBRC does not support marriage for gays, yet we do support and call for recognition of domestic partnerships."

Jasmyne Cannick, board member for the National Black Justice Coalition (NBJC), which advocates for marriage equality, dismissed the endorsement as a "ploy to get attention." She noted that the ALBRC has never had a national presence or influence.

The group has 75 members in Dallas, according to Falls.

I've got a little black book with my poems in it

2004-09-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts... Coffee here is incredible, but can be ordered about 50 different ways and well, just consider me trying to get coffee before I've HAD coffee. The tap water here is really good. Autumn has arrived, the rain is here and I like it! Bread. These people know how to bake some damn fine bread, which is also available in about 50 different variaties. Girls, soft and nice... It is possible to get pizza delivered using a combination of German, Spanish and Italian. Stuff I didn't bring with me, thinking I could get it cheap, isn't. Most people assume I'm German, until I bust out with the poor language skills. My gaydar is completely useless here. The Viennese don't believe in non-fat milk, or anything else for that matter. I miss ice. I like ice. I can't get any ice. I can, however, get a very nice bottle of French wine for 2 euro. Girls, soft and nice.... There are too many cakes and pastries here, they mock me! Access to an efficient system of mass transportation is a grand thing. Crime here consists of pickpockets, minor graffitti, and jaywalking. Eggs are sold in packs of 6 or 10. There is a Starbuck's coffee shop here, which just cracks me up. The cheap brand of groceries here is "Clever." Now that's good marketing. There's really no reason to procrastinate right now, I can always do it later.

Time to go have a tour of the Habsburg palace, which is now a set of museums. WHEEE!

how many roads

2004-09-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

Tripitaka: Monkey, how far is it to the Western Heaven, the abode of Buddha?

Wu-Kong: You can walk from the time of your youth until the time you grow old, and after that, till you become young again; and even after going through such a cycle a thousand times, you may still find it difficult to reach the place where you want to go. But when you perceive, by the resoluteness of your will, the Buddha-nature of all things, and when every one of your thoughts goes back to that fountain in your memory, that will be the time you arrive at Spirit Mountain.

-- The Journey To The West

what so proudly we hailed

2004-09-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

"Americanism means the virtues of courage, honor, justice, truth, sincerity, and hardihood—the virtues that made America. The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living and the get-rich-quick theory of life."

Theodore Roosevelt, letter to S. Stanwood Menken, chairman, committee on Congress of Constructive Patriotism, January 10, 1917.

the long and winding road

2004-09-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

I found the truth of champagne eyes
that night you looked inside
with all lives' pain and joy
roiling open, wild

now waves of you invade my skin
dizzy sweet and tangy
like a blood orange I tasted once
under an autumn sky

are you devouring demons
as I wander through the turning trees?
watching lost souls finding peace
in pieces on the ground

the clock tower shakes, calling me
to wend my winding way home
I'll stay just here, in the sunset hour
and hold the light in my arms
discover what it means to soar
while anchored firm, unbound

some days are diamonds

2004-09-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

I figured out how to post photos. I'm so technical and stuff. Yay for me!

Vienna is awesome, amazing, and astonishingly beautiful. I just can't get over it. The weather was perfect. Spent the day exploring the city, and it feels like I barely got a taste of what there is to enjoy. Managed to get in some grocery shopping, an entertaining experience to say the least. Nearly everything is closed for business on Sundays, except the churches (duh) and museums. Guess where I'm going tomorrow... http://www.albertina.at/cms/front_content.php

The Albertina has two special exhibits I'm especially keen to see -- Michelangelo's sketches and a whole slew of Peter Paul Ruebens. I'm a lucky one, I am!

Today I also learned of a means to enjoy the opera on a student's budget. If you're willing to wait in line for an hour or so, you can get in for standing room only at a cost of 2-3 euro. This is a good option for me, since regular tickets are ~60-70 euro. When I go, it will be my first live opera experience. WHEEEEE!

It seems one isn't "allowed" to live in the vienna unless one learns to waltz. Sounds like fun, but where oh where will I find the time...? I'm already taking 4 classes, and have made arrangements to audit at least 1 of the photography classes, on cityscape documentary. Hrm...

I wandered into a pub last night looking for a late supper, and discovered it was the hangout for the local African expatriates. Getting three offers to buy me a drink in as many minutes was a great ego boost, so today I got brave and asked somene out on a date. She said yes, which is grand. Let's just hope I don't get nervous hives or something waiting for next weekend to arrive. Sheesh.

My favorite word this week is schenkeling. Barbara, our city guide/housing coordinator, explained it as the state people reach (usually while drinking the new wines so well loved in this city) where they begin to lean on each other and sway back and forth, singing tavern songs. Don't hold me to the spelling though, it was hours and hours ago I that I learned the word and who knows what permutations it has gone through whilst bouncing about my brain...

2004-09-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

the wildness of orange

2004-09-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

the sun is watching me

2004-09-18T13:21:00.001-07:00

irish sequioia

2004-09-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

red rock layer in the causeway

2004-09-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

looking up

2004-09-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

feels like god is watching, and likes what it sees

2004-09-18T13:16:00.001-07:00

another side of the giants causeway

2004-09-18T13:16:00.000-07:00

where I come from - apache tears, arizona

2004-09-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

giants causeway

signed, sealed, delivered

2004-09-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

I arrived this morning to a perfect Fall day in Vienna. A very slight breeze and sunny skies made the place seem even more welcoming. Arriving from Ireland meant I didn't even have to bother with customs, which was nice. I wasn't allowed on a shuttle or bus with my heavy luggage though, and had to use far too much of my weekly expense money to taking a taxi to my apartment/dorm. Ahh well, I'd rather have my books and journals and supplies, even if they are too frelling heavy.... The woman who is in charge of housing for the program was kind enough to come early and help me get situated; the rest of my group didn't arrive until just a couple of hours ago. She is very friendly, and damn fine looking too. (I'm such a sucker for a redheaded woman. Sheesh.) She promised to show me the GLBT Community Center when we have our tour of the city tomorrow morning. There is a thriving queer community here and I am quite looking forward to exploring this side of politics here; interest in the US is especially keen at the moment because of the upcoming elections.

The accomodations are far more generous than I expected. I'm in a 4 bedroom apartment with a shared kitchen, two toilets, and a separate shower room. Barbara (housing coordinator) decided it would be better to put me up with other older students so I didn't have to play babysitter to the youngsters in my group (most of them are under 21). She placed me with a couple of folks from Serbia -- I've not met them yet but I'm expecting excellent conversation out of this setup! My room is much bigger than I planned on, ~15'x15' with a real desk, a good bed, a large set of bookshelves and a decent wardrobe. Funny, it took me two weeks to get properly packed up for this journey and about 30 minutes to unpack. I'm on the top (5th) floor of the building, which is pleasing in that I don't have to worry about finding a way of getting excercise every day. There is a nice little park just down the street, and while I'm close to a main road and access to all the necessities of daily life, the room is in the very back of the building on a quiet street, and my window opens onto a large courtyard. Quiet, private, and reasonably clean. Now, if I can just get a bit of hot water up here, I'm all set....

I was told that everyone smokes here, but my gods, EVERYONE smokes here, everywhere. I decided before I left California to quit smoking before I return (then I can be cranky here instead with ya'll), and I'm thinking I will be so dang sick of cigarette smoke by then it won't even be a problem to stop. Perhaps my last night of smoking I'll go sit in one of the public gaming rooms for a couple of hours, tiny little rooms with no ventilation to speak of, where chain smokers pour their coin into vegas style slot machines and drink vending machine espresso. Then I won't ever want one again.

Tomorrow morning I will do a bit of shopping and finish getting settled before the city tour university orientation. I must get it done early, because I know once they show me how to get into the university library it will be a good long while before I can drag myself out again. I am beside myself excited about that library.... *bounce bounce*

In the washing of the water

2004-09-16T16:53:00.000-07:00

"You have to have dreams, Pao."

"Well, I don't know. As my mother used to say, a painted rice cake doesn't satisfy hunger."

The monk Dogen heard that expression, and replied by saying, "Without painted hunger you never become a true person."

The Years of Rice and Salt

nobody knows the trouble I've seen

2004-09-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

ugh. head hurt. stomach hates me. cider bad. cider very very bad.

argh.

and I think I think too much...

2004-09-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

It's 4am and I am, as they say in Irish, pissed. WHEEE! Turns out irish women really like my tattoos. a lot. Oh, and australian women too. Not many folks here have tattooes and I'm all, butch or something with 'em. Hee. I like cider. turns out I can drink 6 pints and can still type almost reasonably well. I didn't get email from any of you slackers. get with it. send me birthday presents or something. only 20 someodd shipping days left.

so there really isn't any reason for me to be posting at the moment, except to make an ass of myself. umm, megan is going to read over my shoulder and tell if I'm too much an ass, but she's not said anything yet so I will keep typing. our phone was all wonky so this beautiful tall african man came to our room to see what we wanted for munchies -- sandwiches and dessert is all we can get but they're surprisingly yummy in the middle of the night. umm, I'm rambling, and typing is becoming more and more complicated. Megan is snickering at me while reading over my should. she can laugh, she didn't drink at all. I had six, count em folks, six pints and a shot of somehting I think was bailey's. Met a few really cute women. drank too much. going back tomorrow night. WHEEEE!

room service is here. sandwiches, yummy. megan got rid of the ham. I don't know what's left on the bread, but I think it's cheese and salad. she removed the nasty ham so I don;t have to deal with it. eewwwwww.

australian women can drink much more than I can and still flirt shamelessly

I'm going to have a sandwich now. I miss you all terribly, but damn, dublin is friendly

p.s. all hotels should have heated towel racks. it's just... civilized.

these fickle fuddled words confuse me...

2004-09-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

It seems every time I look at the sky now, I wonder what you're thinking, where you are, where you're going... Is my shadow under foot? Have my words come too close? When I open my hands the light streams out and I see you, shining clear and bright, just ahead of the world. I wonder at the lonliness I see inside, the tiresome demand of so many wanting to find their reflection in your light. Know I am not afraid of seeing myself for my self, know I see you for your sake. My roots run deep and my shade is sweet, come rest a while when you need.

got a cloud sleeping on my tongue...

2004-09-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

Rebelling against common sense, despite fierce wind and blustery rain, my kind hosts drove me to the edge of the world yesterday, to walk the Giant's Causeway http://www.giantscausewayofficialguide.com/once01.htm

This place has been on my List of Things To Do Before I Go for quite some time and I was not dissapointed. Amazingly beautiful and wild... We were there late in the day, not many people around this time of year, and so I had the most often visited place in the country practically all to myself. The photos turned out beautifully, and one of these minutes I'll get around to uploading some, really I will.

After the sun went down we had supper at a hotel pub down the road called the Smuggler's Inn. I chose it because there was a pirate outside and well, that's the kind of girl I am. Including us, there were only 12 people in the place but I was pleased to see lesbian couple sitting a few tables away. We really are everywhere! *grin*

Tomorrow afternoon Megan and I are heading into Dublin for an adventure. She's going to take me to the queer bar in town (there's only one!) so I can get a taste of Dublin nightlife. She claims I will see Wild Irish Lesbians in their natural nighttime environment (no Spotted Lesbians though, as they became nearly extinct here after the years of the potato famine when most of them emmigrated to the United States.) In addition to the yummy, peaty Guiness, I've discovered the joys of drinking the damn fine cider here, and plan to have myself a good time before dragging onto the airplane for a 7am departure to Vienna. WHEEE!

I'm so excited about classes starting. Color me nerdy, but it's just so true.

Hrm, I should really learn some German.

That is all.

I go out walking..

2004-09-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

After a couple of bright, lovely days we are now getting a taste of the wild weather here. Seems the remnents of hurricanes still pack a bit of a punch by the time they get this far. It's been blustery and raining and absolutely wonderful. Yesterday we went for a walk in the woods near my friends' house. The land used to be a private estate, but of course they couldn't run it any longer once slavery was outlawed so the land became public and was made into a park. Turns out someone planted Sequioias there in the late 19th century -- what a strange and wonderful experience to come all this way and see something so connected to home....

When we returned to the house I made supper -- a decent version of chicken enchiladas, refried beans and the best guacamole I've ever managed. I was skeptical of the results, because it is so tough to find the correct ingredients here, but they were quite tasty. My hosts complained they are too much because it was yummy. Whee! I attribute some of that to the fine qualilty of dairy products in ireland -- these are really happy cows. *grin*

I'm terribly susecptible to accents. I've been here only a few days and already the cadence of my speech has changed. Which is all fine and good in Ireland, but I will have to be vigilant in Vienna - don't want to come home sounding like ah-nold.

I love the light here. Everything is so deep and bright. Sunrise this morning was breathtaking, full of orange light that could almost be felt, tasted, held... Grand, just grand.

inside the absence of fear

2004-09-10T06:15:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering the concept of Fear for a good long while now, trying to get my head around the vastness of its affect on humans. Especially since the brutality of 9/11. I was scheduled to leave for my walkabout in East Africa on 9/12, but everything changed and I had to make a decision - stay or leave? I knew if I didn't go I would never forgive myself for letting fear get in the way of something I wanted so badly, so I went, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I want to be that aware of all my fears.

It seems to me (and countless folks a whole lot wiser, I'm sure) that fear is the single greatest motivator for humans. Fear is perhaps the most effective tool used to control the masses; fear of hell, death, poverty, pain, loneliness... The only emotion I can think of to counter fear is love. Love can give us the strength to overcome our fears, be they an immediate life-threatening danger or the imagined outcome of some event. And yet when I ask, I often hear that hatred is the opposite of love. But hatred is just another form of fear. Really though, isn't love the true opposite of fear? The ability to love is what makes us human, gives us the strength and courage to keep moving forward even when the going is slow and painful. Now, if I can just remember this all the time, I can make more progress.

When I listen well I can hear the universe singing... Love is a machete, use it to clear your path.

please don't let me be misunderstood

2004-09-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

maybe she's caught in the legend - maybe she's caught in the moon -- maybe these maps and legends have been misunderstood...

Here I am, here I am...

2004-09-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

By some strange miracle the weather in Dublin and Monaghan has been absolutely perfect. Not a cloud in the sky and beautifully warm... I've decided to take it as a sign from the universe that I'm on the right path at the right time. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I would like to thank the person who decided to offer showers for travellers at the Frankfurt airport. I spent one of my 5 hour layover soaking up all the hot water I could handle. My fingers and toes were all wrinkled and funny by the time I decided to be done, but I felt a million times better. Delivered hot water has got to be one of the best things the human race has ever concieved.

The flight to Dublin was less than 2 hours but chock to the brim with entertainment. The Irish are sooo friendly... A lovely young woman called Nee introduced herself and determined I must visit County Cork and she should be my tour guide so as to be certain I didn't miss anything good. She was returning from a post graduation journey to South Africa and excited to be coming home I think. She took a degree in Spanish and Latin American Studies; Spanish with an Irish lilt, who would've thunk it? I also met her twin sister Dierdre, who was busy writing a small tour guide for the couple from Fresno sitting nearby. Friendly, friendly. Did you know that with identical twins they are often opposite handed? Nee is a lefty, Deirdre a righty. Fun!

I'm a damn lucky girl, really. My friend Megan offered to come let me stay with her even though she's never actually met me in person. (She just said I have to write nice things about her or she won't feed me!) We've been talking online for almost 3 years now though... Her husband is very mellow and kind. The baby Hannah is the cutest toddler! She handed me a book to read to her last evening, which means I've been accepted as a real live person. Yay for me!

My brain is terribly muddled from the jet lag and severe lack of sleep before I left California. I slept 12 hours last night and I'm still befuddled. I must need more tea. Sheesh!

I am tall. I am a bloody giant here, it seems. I never thought 5' 10" was all that much, but in some places I am a roaring tower of tall! RAWR!

Rambling. I'm rambling. I'm rambling because I am confused. Not so unusual, I know.. Thing is, I really didn't expect to miss any one person this much, and I do and it's got me all discomboobulated. Life is strange. Good, but strange.

all my bags are packed...

2004-09-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

...but I'm not quite ready to go. Almost there, thanks to Karene and her amazing shopping fu. Apparently the packing problem was due to undersize bags, not too much stuff. A quick trip downtown garnered the perfect samsonite roller bag at a ridicuously low price. YAY! Now all I need to do is pack up the rest of my things and dump 'em in Ben's garage. Thank goodness for highly organized friends.

Turns out the most valuable thing I'm taking with me is the realization of just how good it will be to come home.

Life is good.

I have no lid upon my head

2004-09-06T03:11:00.000-07:00

"Will it be blasphemy to you, if I believe in gravity and love, and the oneness of all things?"

- The Years of Rice and Salt

the best of what's around

2004-09-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

...stop only the old and wise, with clouded eyes
you can't see what I can when I, blindly
throw my faith to the face
of the next good thing to come my way.

- dmb