So I've made it to Arizona and have safely installed at my brother's house. The kitties are adjusting well, and I am more at ease than I can recall being in months. I made the right decision, difficult as it was.

My brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews came to visit, to welcome me home. They helped me unload the movng truck, which included quite a lot of books. I explained to the boys that I'd been saving many of those books for them, waiting until they were old enough to enjoy some of the books I had read in my younger days. I looked at the 11 year old and said that I was a bit concerned some of the books may prove too hard for him to read. He looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Well, I don't think a book can really be too hard. It's just that some books you might have to read a little slower than others, that's all."

I'm so proud!

So my brother has this red plastic toy crab. I don't know how it happened, but he has become quite attached to the thing, had it in his classroom for a while (he's a teacher) and now it "lives" in the car as a odd little pet. He named it Boggs. My nephews like Boggs and, he/it comes up in conversation every so often...

Saturday morning the oldest boy comes to me and holds up a child's swimming mask he found by the side of the pool. The mask had crab legs sticking out from the side and a few other little details around the edges to make it look like the wearer had a crab on his face. He looked at me, grinning, and said, "Look what I found, Aunt Lorie. I call them... Boggles."

I laughed so hard. A bit difficult considering how I was also popping with pride.

Reading and punning. Those are my nephews.

I'm so glad I'm here.

amen

"Perhaps a new spirit is rising among us. If it is, let us trace its movements and pray that our own inner being may be sensitive to its guidance, for we are deeply in need of a new way beyond the darkness that seems so close around us."

- Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

oh say, can you see

President Bush admimtted he authorized spying without judicial oversight, on American soil. (Somehow this is less interesting to the American Public than unauthorized touching of the Presidental pee-pee.)

We've got secret prisons, tortured prisoners, and American citizens held for years without charge.

In the state of California, we executed a Noble Peace Prize nominee.

No need to worry though, 'cause the capital gains tax cut was extended and queers still have no legal marriage. It's all safe!

without you here

Gone to the Unseen

At last you have departed and gone to the Unseen.
What marvelous route did you take from this world?

Beating your wings and feathers,
you broke free from this cage.
Rising up to the sky
you attained the world of the soul.
You were a prized falcon trapped by an Old Woman.
Then you heard the drummer's call
and flew beyond space and time.

As a lovesick nightingale, you flew among the owls.
Then came the scent of the rosegarden
and you flew off to meet the Rose.

The wine of this fleeting world
caused your head to ache.
Finally you joined the tavern of Eternity.
Like an arrow, you sped from the bow
and went straight for the bull's eye of bliss.

This phantom world gave you false signs
But you turned from the illusion
and journeyed to the land of truth.

You are now the Sun -
what need have you for a crown?
You have vanished from this world -
what need have you to tie your robe?

I've heard that you can barely see your soul.
But why look at all? -
yours is now the Soul of Souls!

O heart, what a wonderful bird you are.
Seeking divine heights,
Flapping your wings,
you smashed the pointed spears of your enemy.

The flowers flee from Autumn, but not you -
You are the fearless rose
that grows amidst the freezing wind.

Pouring down like the rain of heaven
you fell upon the rooftop of this world.
Then you ran in every direction
and escaped through the drain spout . . .

Now the words are over
and the pain they bring is gone.
Now you have gone to rest
in the arms of the Beloved.

- Rumi

I held the world back for you

For the past year or so people have been saying it's crazy to try and build a friendship with my ex-wife, that we have to have at least a year without contact before such a thing is possible, but I kept trying. I wanted to believe we could do it, that 10 years together could overcome a bad situation. I guess I was wrong... Today she told me she 'knows' I have tried to turn our mutual friends against her, that I am and have been manipulating her, that I'm now only using her to get money. I was nearly as shocked to hear her say all that as I was when she said she was moving out. I honestly feel like I've spent enormous effort trying to develop a basis for friendship while dealing with the fallout of betrayal, anger, and grief. How is it even possible to have spent so much time together and have completely polar views of a situation?

Now about three months ago I had to ask her not to contact me for a while, to only talk when I called her, because I was having so much trouble separating our old relationship as partners into a new paradigm. It was a painful choice that took weeks to make, but I thought it would ultimately make things better for us. I tried so hard to explain to her why I was asking for it, to make it clearly a short-term request. Apparently she thinks I did it to punish her. How am I supposed to rectify this difference in perception? Part of me is just ready to give up, tired of being made to feel like a bad person because I want to take care of myself first. The rest of me says I'll regret it in the long run if I give up now, and I truly loathe the feeling of regret. I have no idea what to do. What is the right action?

Damn. Damn. Damn.

how many roads

"...Our vulnerability is not just about dealing with terrorists or natural disasters. We are vulnerable and unsafe because we allow one in eight Americans to live in horrible poverty. We accept an education system where one in six children never graduate and most of those who do can't string a coherent sentence together. The middle class can't pay the mortgage or the hospital bills and 45 million have no health coverage whatsoever."

- Michael Moore

We are being terrorized, bu our own government.

On Saturday we joined the San Francisco contingent of a nationwide anti-war demonstration, along with an estimated 50,000 protesters hoping to promote peace. Nearly every corner was saturated with of officers of the law, most of them bristling with attitude, which was terribly amusing when you noticed at least half of them were sneaking a smoke and sending text messages with their cell phones. Sheesh.

The crowd ranged from very young children with posters and t-shirts of their own design (Mr. Busg is a rotten tomato-head!) to elderly activists who clearly had decades of experience. People decorated with every kind of clothing, hair, color, and adornment you can imagine, all peacfully excercising their rights of free speech. It was beautiful. It felt good.

yesterday

I tell myself the shock hurt
most of all
the surprise betrayal
nearly severed me
but when honesty looks back
I must admit,
I should've known

when you didn't bother to find the words
when your fear covered my joy

I was in it for the long haul
and so never tallied those cuts.
you made scars in my skin and I
let them be mine
The first ten years are the hardest, still
I should've known

when you let me cry for lonely hours
when my journey was your distraction

I watched blindly while you turned
to sand in my arms
held on and on until
I was buried in you
disintegrated
to remnants of what could be
and what I should've known

the remains form a golem girl
who ghosts her way about
hoping to be real again some
one day not too soon
trying to make sense of
what I should've known